The Open Line

Honest conversations. Real presence. Leadership people want to follow.

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When your best quality gets you in trouble

"So Carl, how'd the fishing trip go over the holidays? Did y'all limit out?"

And as Joan leaned in to hear the details, she felt laser beams from her boss seated just across the table.

She pushed down the knot in her throat and focused even harder on the fishing story, filing away funny moments to rib him about later as she laughed in the moment. She could see him relax and open up. While just one chair over, her boss was clenching. She knew she’d hear about this on the ride back to the office - how being so chatty was so unprofessional.

Her boss, a leader in the local and regional business communities, certainly knew what it took to get ahead, to lead a very visible organization. She’d overseen the turnaround of the org and developed a reputation as a leader worth knowing.

So her advice was welcome, her mentoring mattered, but still…. the instruction to cut down on the chatter felt like Joan was cutting down the very spark that led her here. Joan had built her own career on creating connections. She was known for her uncanny ability to remember those quirky details months later. Her previous clients marveled at her recall - at her concern - for what mattered to them. The new nephew, the ball tournament travel schedule, the mother who needed extra care which reduced her work schedule for a while.

Her previous clients relaxed and opened up with her because of the chatter. The trust ran deeper than deals and longer than last year’s metrics. She was the first person they called when they needed something.

And now in this role she was being asked to temper her talent for trust.

Whether it’s a well-respected boss or scripts on how to sell, we’re constantly being prompted to perform, to be polished, to promote. Yet when we do those things, the very people we’re trying to persuade feel that friction as much - maybe even more - than we do. It’s like those old-school Halloween masks - they made it hard for us to breathe, much less talk. So does performing in order to persuade.

Those we’re looking to persuade simply want to connect. They want to feel like they matter for more than their purchase orders. They want to know that their fishing adventure left an impression on us. They want to know that we’ve thought about their daughter’s dance recital.

Joan already knew what her boss couldn't quite see yet. The fishing trip wasn't a distraction from the work. It was the work. Carl's trust didn't come from a polished pitch. It came from feeling genuinely known.

Maybe your version of this is being told you're too quiet in meetings, or that your questions slow things down, or that you need to be more direct — when you know that your best work happens in the in-between moments.

However you best enjoy making connections, do that. Bring your best, most human, self and watch your own stakeholders relax and open up. They’ll be honored as a human and much more willing to activate their thinking and logic, to listen to and be receptive of your ideas.

Carl never knew that his fishing trip did more for that relationship than any polished presentation could have. And neither did her boss, but Joan knew. And that's exactly the point.

If someone's been asking you to sand down the very thing that makes you effective I'd love to hear about it. You can grab a time here or just hit reply and tell me what's going on.

Truly,
Jackie

Quiet Signals

What to notice this week:

• Where are you currently performing instead of connecting and what would it look like to stop?
• What's your version of the fishing trip question? The thing you do naturally that makes people feel genuinely seen?
• Think of a relationship where trust runs deepest. How did it start? Was it a polished moment or a human one?

Signal Boost

If you want to explore these ideas more:

Hi there! I'm Jackie. I help thoughtful people influence outcomes without having to become someone they’re not. ​LinkedIn Website​